The King of Douches
by bethanime
Summary: Marshall Lee embarrasses Fionna in front of Gumball. She calls Marshall Lee the king of douchbags. He decides to show her what a real douchebag is like. Slight FioLee. Mostly fluff.


"You're like the king of douchebags!" Fionna huffed at Marshall Lee. The adventurous teen crossed her arms over her chest, head extended as far from her shoulders as her neck would allow.

The Vampire King scoffed at her remark as he floated a foot above the ground. "Me? You think I'M The King of Douchebags? Ha!" Marshall Lee grabbed Fionna's wrists until she hovered in the air.

"Wh-what are you doing?" Fionna wrapped her fingers around Marshall Lee's arm for extra support. She curled her legs until her knees touched her chest. She crossed her legs for decency's sake.

"I'll show you king of douchebags..." Marshall snickered and flew higher.

Fionna wasn't sure how she got into this state. She and Marshall had been talking and playing around like they usually do. Then somehow things turned serious. He had taken her hat off and dangled it out of her reach. That wasn't too bad. But when Fionna tried to grab her hat back, Marshall flung it into a blob of gunkity gunk. Seriously foul-smelling gunk. The mud came off, but the smell still lingered. Lingered was too gentle of a word. The smell of rotten eggs and moldy bread oozed from Fionna's hat.

Even that wasn't terrible. Fionna and her hat had both been covered by bad dude bile and blood. Sometimes the stench could be so acidic, her hat would disintegrate. She had learned to keep a stash of caps at the tree house.

Fionna had put her hat back on despite the smell. She and Marshall Lee had been joking about how bad the smell was. Fionna puffed her cheeks out and mimicked the Mega Frog. She hopped around and pretended to eat invisible mud scamps. Marshall Lee had clutched his stomach from laughing too hard.

"What is that wretched smell?" Gumball stepped from between two burpleberry bushes. The bushes burped in resentment.

"The same thing it always is: Fionna." Marshall floated so his legs were above his head. The brim of his oversized hat could have almost touched the back of his calves.

"Ah, that makes olfactory sense." Bubba held his nose and eyed Fionna warily.

Gumball pulled a vial from his royal pants. He sat down by a chamender flower and placed the vial near the plants stigma. He sang softly to the flower until a few drops of liquid pollen seeped into the vial. He left without another word to the mischievous duo.

Gumball's voice can make flowers jizz themselves, Fionna had thought to herself. The task must have been a little more difficult than the candy prince had let on. Fionna didn't know of anyone could sing well with their noses clenched shut except Gumball and probably Marshall Lee. Marshall Lee could do anything. He could even humiliate the usually undauntable Fionna.

It wasn't the fact Marshall Lee had said that she stunk. A little stink does the body good. Especially when it's warding off bad guys. But Gumball isn't a bad guy. Even if her stank was obvious for everyone, Marshall Lee didn't have to state it so bluntly in front of Gumball...

Did she really smell that bad normally? Now that her arms were raised above her head and her feet were far above the ground, Fionna could sneak a sniff. She turned her head toward her armpit and inhaled. Okay, so maybe she was a little sweaty-stinky. She had spent all day frolicking around with Marshall. When was the last time she had showered? Cake won't let her go more than a couple of days or so without showering, but Cake has been too wrapped up in her kittycorns with Lord Monochromicorn. They would be due soon, and Cake had been dedicating most of her time to relaxing in her bunk. Fionna guessed she hadn't bathed in a week or so. She could do worse!

Tall buildings appeared below Fionna and Marshall Lee. They were strange buildings unlike none Fionna had ever seen. They weren't fluffy and sugary like the ones in the candy kingdom. They weren't icy or woody or bricky or even bready. Each of the building bases were made of silicone-looking bags. Long hoses protruded from the roofs of the buildings. The houses themselves weren't very tall, but the hose made the buildings taller than any Fionna had ever seen. Instead of smoking poofing out of the hoses, some sort of rain squirted from the top. The entire town smelled fresh. Like a field full of flowers. Fionna inhaled deeply, then exhaled slowly.

Marshall Lee dropped Fionna at the entrance of the biggest house. Fionna couldn't tell where the door was. The sidewalk just... stopped... at the rubber house. Marshall Lee stood behind Fionna. His arms were crossed and a smirk was plastered on his face. Fionna continued to look around for the door. It had to be here somewhere! She had already stepped onto the grass before Marshall Lee shook his head and walked past Fionna.

He placed his hand on the bag and pushed into it once. He slowly withdrew his hand from the building. The three lower ridges Fionna hadn't noticed before shifted. A three feet wide segment of the ridges detached itself and lowered. A doorway had been formed. Fionna's mouth was as agape as the wall. Marshall Lee walked into the building while Fionna was still flabbergasted.

A butler greeted the two friends on arrival. The butler was a strange sort. He was a smaller version of the houses outside. His mouth was at the top of the hose, while his eyes were on his round, squishy body. He didn't appear to have a nose. Fionna had traveled many parts of Aaa, but she had never seen a land and its people quite like this.

"Ah, Sir Marshall Lee, you grace us with your presence." The butler made a low bow to Marshall. Marshall nodded his head in salutation.

"Is..." Marshall's question was cut off as two people entered the hallway.

"Why! Look, dear sister. If it isn't Marshall Lee the Vampire King himself." The two people were more humanoid than the servant.

The male stood a full head taller than the female. He had light blue eyes on an average, symmetrical face. His upper body was slender. He wore a steel blue vest that hung loose over a tight fitting powder blue shirt. A silver medal was pinned to the left side of his chest. His humanoid features downgraded below his waist.

Instead of having two slender legs conjoined to his waist, the man's lower body bulged and curved like a turnip. His... pants? Skirt?... whatever was an alizarin crimson. Two thin ankles protruded from the turnip body. Two normal-sized silver shoes encased what Fionna thought to be two normal-sized feet.

The female was similar in shape and proportion to the man. She wore similar clothes with slightly lighter hues. Both the man and woman had beautiful faces. They both had long silver hair; the man's hair reached his shoulders. The woman's hair came down to her hips.

"Yo, dudes. What's up?" Marshall greeted the brother and sister. The duo paled at the word 'up.'

Fionna had no idea what was going on, who this people were, or where she was. She tugged on Marshall Lee's plaid shirt. "C'mon, man. Who are these guys?" Fionna whispered.

"Let me introduce you to the Duke and Duchess of Douche. We are in the Duchy of Douche. This is my friend, Fionna." Marshall Lee did a half bow; he placed one hand on his chest and extended his other arm to the siblings."

Fionna tried to find the words she needed to say, but her mouth continuously opened and closed as if she were a fish on dry land. The duchess did a minute curtsey. The duke's bow was even smaller than Marshall's playful one.

"What is that frightful smell?" The prince turned his nose up and sniffed. Fionna snapped out of her daze. She pulled her hat from her head and stuffed it into her backpack. She didn't notice before, but the duke had a lisp.

"My, what kind of outfit IS that?" The duchess' stare made Fionna's skin crawl. She shifted her weight from foot to foot. Fionna noticed the duchess had a speech impediment as well.

"These are my adventuring clothes! I'm a top-notch adventurer." Fionna brandished her sword for proof.

The duchess laughed. "More like bottom-wrung loser. Is that a sword or a toothpick?"

"Oooh, it looks like one of those toothpicks the waiter puts into our steaks every morning. The peasants sure know how to enjoy the small things life has to offer." The duke joined in his sister's laughter.

Fionna's cheeks grew hot. Her tongue became tied. Marshall Lee floated a few inches off the ground and smirked while he watched the performance below. He probably got a real kick out of this. Fionna reminded herself to kick him later.

"At least I don't talk weird. Say it don't spray it!" Fionna shouted at the Duke and Duchess of Douches.

The siblings had their turn to be shocked. They stood motionless and speechless. Marshall Lee did back-flips in the air as he guffawed. Fionna's stomach turned in anger and frustration. She stormed out of the castle through the hole in the wall.

Fionna didn't stop marching until she was outside of the castle gates and across the street. She plopped down on a small patch of grass underneath a tree. She might not be the best smelling or most fashionable girl in all of Aaa, but darn it, she was a bodacious adventurer! She had beaten more bad guys and monsters than she could count. And she could count to at least 100. Who had time to waste to count more than that? It takes almost a minute to get that far.

Fionna started counting under her breath. She counted the seconds with her fingers. By the time she hit 10 seconds, she didn't know if she was on 30 or 40. She ruffled her hair in frustration. "Ugh! If Marshall Lee were here, this would be easier."

"Even if he is The King of Douchebags?" Marshall Lee floated from behind the tree. He held his hat in his hands. The tree's thick foliage protected one of his favorite organs from melting.

Fionna smiled at Marshall. "You aren't The King of Douchebags. You aren't even the Duke of Douches. I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I probably shouldn't have mentioned your poor hygiene to Gumball." Marshall stuck his tongue out at Fionna. She playfully huffed and turned back toward Douche Castle.

Marshall Lee's nostrils enlarged as his sniffed the air. "Hey, do you smell that?"

"I'm not taking the bait, Marsh." Fionna's back still faced Marshall.

"Oh, really?" A cascade of liquid flooded onto Fionna's head. Her head ducked down at the sudden pressure.

"What the glob!" She scrambled to her feet and struck a fighting pose.

"I got you a little souvenir from the Duchy of Douche." Marshall floated just beyond Fionna's fists. He became entangled in the tree's branches.

Fionna placed her hands on her hips and thrust her chest forward. "Ha! Serves you right."

Fionna sniffed the air. The air was missing a particular stench she had become accustomed to. Huh, maybe she did have b.o.

Marshall Lee freed himself from the branches and floated behind Fionna again. He extended his hand to her. "Are you ready to go home, my non-stinky chum?"

Fionna took his hand. "I'm ready, my non-douchey dude."

Marshall Lee clicked his tongue and put on his hat. "Now that I don't have to air dry you and your hat, I guess I can do this."

He scooped up Fionna bridal style. The two flew to Fionna's treehouse. She decided not to tell Cake of the day's adventures. She wouldn't want to stress out the fertilized feline. Maybe she could convince Cake that she and Marshall Lee had spent the day slaughtering sissies. Fionna fell asleep as she dreamed of all the abstract adversaries she could have defeated.

_A/N I hope you guys like this little bit of crack... Remember, boys and girls, if you don't shower regularly (whether you're an adventurer or a couch potato), you may be taken to the Duchy of Douche. _


End file.
